Broken.  I’ve been feeling broken for awhile now.  I manage to pull myself back together when I am around people or at work, but when I’m home alone with Ana, I become lethargic.  After propping myself onto my couch, I’ll only get up to either get something to eat / drink or use the bathroom.  Couch activities include working on my laptop, watching Netflix via PS3, or reading books on my iPad.  Reading has become less and less lately.  I have about 20 books on my iPad that I want to get through this summer but I have a feeling that I won’t even get through one.  (I should learn when to use ‘but’ and when to use ‘though’ – reminder to self.)

Why do I feel broken?

My life was going perfect and everything was in place until that dreaded day in 1976.  August 30th, to be exact.  Out comes this baby boy, very cute I might add, but with a congenital deformity.   Birth defect in aisle one.   It’s led me to a life feeling self-conscious and withdrawn.  Even if it’s 100 degrees outside, others will see me wearing a pair of pants most likely.  I wish my parents had involved me early on in sports or other exercises while still a small child.  I’ve heard of success stories involving Kristi Yamaguchi or Charles Woodson, etc., who have had club foot (or feet) and turned out just fine.  Or maybe my parents did and I gave up too easily.  That’s been known to happen throughout my whole life. I always need that extra push to follow through on things.  If I give up and if others give up on me, then I will fail.  That’s how I’m wired unfortunately.

The icing on the cake was in elementary school which opened the avenue to ridicule and children’s ignorance and getting picked last in gym class.  (Even now, I think people would still pick me last in any active sport [*cough* kickball *cough*] – I don’t blame them, I suck while on the field.  At least I have the magic foot.)  It’s not something that I could change so I think that’s why I took it so hard those years.  I had multiple surgeries and was in corrective braces and casts for the first three years of my life so I was still in the process of perfecting my walk.  I guess I waddled like a duck or penguin hence the name-calling of related words.  It’s too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin’ around here.  I still walk with a limp.  I can rectify it if I do what Dudley Moore did – he wore one shoe with a slightly bigger sole to compensate while walking.  Wikipedia.  If it hadn’t been for my parent’s support, I don’t know where I’d be today.

Whatever happened to Jaime Killian?

4th grade.  Double whammy.  I should have said ‘yes’ but I didn’t want to feel like more of an outcast.  My nurse (Mrs. Fox – awesome lady) suggested that I wear hearing aides.  I was already enduring so much pain from the name-calling, why would I want to put myself through even more hardship?  Back then they didn’t have the CIC (completely-in-canal) type hearing aides that I wear now, so they were big and bulky like and very visible on the outside of the ear.  I could only imagine what type of names I would have been called.  I said ‘no’ and my parents supported my decision.

5th grade.  I should have said ‘yes’.  Mrs. Schacht suggested that I stay back one grade to better my reading comprehension skills.  Thinking back, I seriously could have used this.  I know plenty of people who had ‘stayed back’ a grade and have turned out just fine.  Perhaps it was pride.   I’m Indian.  My family consists of doctors, engineers, CEOs, etc, and everyone is very intelligent – my brother is an exception [just kidding].  How could I be my father’s son if I were to stay back a grade?  How ashamed would my father feel if I had said ‘ok, let’s do this.’  I can’t imagine what kind of hurt that would have caused him at that time.  Perhaps it was out of fright.  I couldn’t stay back now.  Not after all this.  I want to get out of this school as fast as I can.

What helped my self-esteem in both 5th and 6th grade was that I won the spelling bee in both grades.  Now only if I could remember how to do the Drew Blanton dubbed ‘Ajay Shuffle’.  Speaking of Drew, I believe he is the only one who stuck to pronouncing my name almost correctly.  Everyone else just went to americanized ‘A.J.’ so it stuck and I started to introduce myself in that same fashion since.  Phonetically, this is how you pronounce my real name:  ə dʒeɪ (www.forvo.com).  Huh?

(to be cont’d)