“… a lot of us do (get bummed) at certain times. You look at the world and go, ‘Whoa.’ Other moments you look and go, ‘Oh, things are okay.'” — Robin Williams

I guess I should probably stop texting first to see if others want to initiate conversation with me. I fear that when someone new comes into my life I get a little intensive when it comes to getting to know them. I fear that it is so much that it makes them shy away from me and then our conversations just keep getting shorter and shorter. I’ll do my best to open up and speak my mind only to get a few word responses after each text until it eventually just stops. And then I just step back into my shell until I’m ready to break-through again for another person. Most boring guy ever…

I miss my youth. I miss my youth terribly. I miss when we were young and you could meet someone during the summer and you’d just chill with that person the whole summer and develop a lasting friendship. The boys of summer… Now everyone is just so immersed into themselves.

Awkwardly, the best way to get to know me is unfortunately in writing, texting or e-mail. I have so much trouble trying to convey myself or articulate myself into words verbally. It would be nice also if I didn’t abruptly end conversations with people in the hopes that I don’t have to talk anymore to not sound stupid and unknowledgeable. It would also be nice if I wasn’t hard of hearing.

Let’s face it, my memory and reading retention is at an all-time low. Unless it’s a report in writing, good luck trying to get a summary of a certain book or current events orally. I seem to lose focus fast even when I’m reading things that I really like. I can’t seem to finish anything anymore. My downfall. I need someone to push me and get things out of me otherwise getting to know me truly will be a difficult task. Or maybe I just need to accept that I’m purely a failure. A failure at everything and everyone that comes across my path. Personal, not business.

I didn’t take my meds for 2 days and didn’t feel much different until this morning. I feel troubled by the fact that I need to rely on this little purple pill (lpp) to be taken daily in order to keep my mood stabilized and in good spirits. This lpp also helps me to be more productive and gives me motivation to be all that I can be as if I’m in the Army. I’ve been up and down most of this month and the last though I feel mostly up when I’m surrounded by people, mainly friends, and down when either alone or around strangers, other than clients. It’s mainly when I’m alone when the mask comes off and the worry and inner demons set in. My closest friends always seem to know when I’m having an off day if I’m hanging out with them on that specific day. I am hoping there will come a time that I can ween off of this lpp.

Who would want to get to know a mess like me?

I think people have a misconception of me. Sometimes I feel that people think that I spend money on others for people to like me which couldn’t be farther from the truth. If I have the money to spend, I like to share in the good times. If I buy dinner at a fancy restaurant, awesome!, maybe you can return the favor someday in the future. If not, oh well, at least we had a good time. I also like to help people if it’s truly for a worthy cause moreso individually rather than group. If it’s a group cause, I would rather volunteer my person than offer a monetary donation.

Maybe I should do some actual work at work for a change…