Yesterday my peroneal tendonitis came back full swing in my right foot / leg in the morning.  Both the peroneus longus and peroneus brevis tendons were flexed at their maximum involuntarily. I was in so much pain for about 45 minutes to an hour where since I needed to go to the bathroom, I literally had to drag myself across the floor as if I had been shot in my right leg.  Ana ran up to me as if to ask “what’s wrong” and proceeded to sit on the floor on guard to protect me from whatever ‘attacked’ me. She did the same when I had kidney stones 12+ years ago and the pain was beyond belief. I’ve been biking a lot recently and playing tennis more frequently this summer.  Based on my reading, the increased athleticism events probably had something to do with it.  These limitations are basically suck-ass in my case.

Hannah came over last night and I basically bared all to her. No, not my body though I wouldn’t be surprised if she has seen everything considering we used to sleep together at night (no sex) and in the morning… yea. I told her that I had a confession to make in regards to me opening up to people. After two engagement break-ups in the past 12 years, I’ve pretty much clammed up about my inner self to people due to the fear of rejection or thinking, “I wonder how this person will end up hurting me”. My motto is ‘trust until given a reason not to’ but it’s easier to say than do in this case.

I feel really comfortable with Hannah even though I’ve only known her a month and I have absolutely no chance to be with her. Must be those eyes.

“The soul, fortunately, has an interpreter – often an unconscious but still a faithful interpreter – in the eye.”
― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

I’ve accepted that. She told me that I should probably go see a shrink. I have already seen a shrink, two shrinks actually. The last shrink came highly recommended by a couple of doctors. This psychologist was a little easier to talk to in the few weeks that I saw her but of course only after I analyzed myself, did the research on my own, and self-diagnosed myself. I told her what I came up with and while she agreed with my synopsis, she was still quite surprised that I had done all that work. I even did the research on the medication that would probably work for me and not interfere with my prescribed blood pressure meds. She also agreed with that and conferred with my doctor on the level of script. My lpp.

Does anyone truly know who I am? I think about this long and hard because I don’t think I’ve ever really been the type of person to discuss deep emotional issues with friends. I’m pretty sure that someone could simply observe my character and get an idea of this or that. I have an awfully hard time coming up with the right thing to say and most of my sentences turn out to not make much sense. I find myself rather boring as well which I’m probably sure most others agree because my phone isn’t exactly ringing off the hook anymore like it was when I was younger. It’s sort of a negative way to look at myself but it’s the truth. I don’t watch sports so I am not exactly keeping track of anything or anyone who may be excelling at their game. I’ve tried getting into baseball and football in order to keep certain connections alive but I find myself lose interest. I would much rather play a sport but it would most likely turn out to be grade school all over again – the guy who’s picked last each time (with the exception of soccer which I was really good at as a half-back). I have trouble keeping up with current events because frankly, it’s such a sad sad world out there. Humanity sucks.

All in all, it would be easier to talk to a friend – a friend who is single. I wouldn’t want to worry or burden my married friends with any bullshit that may be going through my head which in the first place would be very hard to bring out. It wouldn’t be fair to them to worry them particularly since all of them have kids now or are expecting another addition. It would bother me even more if I were to burden them. They have their own lives and the lives of their partners and the lives of their kids to worry about. They can’t just ask, “what’s wrong” or say, “I’m here for you buddy”, because for one, it doesn’t work that way. For two, I’m supposed to be the strong one. I’m supposed to be the one who has it all figured out with the exception that I’m single and have no kids. Fucked.

Hannah didn’t understand when I told her I was a failure. In fact, the outsider only observes what they can see. Sure, I have a couple of businesses, I have a few properties, I have a fleet of vehicles, etc. I have a whole bunch of assets but that’s all they are. The problem lies that I didn’t build it. Yes, I paid for many of these things from funds that I earned but still, I didn’t build it. It’s not my money that I earned. This leads to the fact that I’m forever in debt to my parents who saved me from certain death. They gave me this opportunity. They supported me when I needed the strength. It’s very hard for me to explain why I feel like this failure. Another post for another time and it will probably be repetitive since my mind tends to go in circles. Cutting this short since…

“I gotta see about a girl.” — Robin Williams, Good Will Hunting

How can I call myself successful?