I’ve decided that I want to get some favorite lyrics as tattoos on my left arm and leave the artwork to my right arm. The lyrics I’ve chosen are:

Every year is getting shorter; we never seem to find the time.

Children growing up; old friends getting older. Freeze this moment a little bit longer…

You my friend, I will defend. And if we change, well I’ll love you anyway.

I’ve been having my list of problems in this current relationship/friendship/roommate situation that I’ve put myself in. Another case of me acting too rash and thinking I’d benefit from having a live-in girlfriend. Not benefit monetarily or sexually but as in companionship on an everyday level. Boy, what a ride it has been. Of course, it takes two to tango so she had a choice as well on whether to move in so the blame cannot completely be on me. This was 3.25 years ago.

Mike N. basically summed me up based on my relationships and all and said that I have something called a “Savior Complex”. While I don’t believe that I am better than anyone else, the following article explains me and what has happened to a T:

At first, the term “Savior Complex” may have a positive connotation. However, when you learn more about it and the underlying motivations and impact on others, it is clear that this behavior pattern can be problematic.

According to the blog PeopleSkillsDecoded.com, the savior complex can be best defined as “A psychological construct which makes a person feel the need to save other people. This person has a strong tendency to seek people who desperately need help and to assist them, often sacrificing their own needs for these people.”

Many individuals who enter into caring professions such as mental health care, health care and even those who have loved ones with addictions may have some of these personality characteristics.  They are drawn to those who need “saving” for a variety of reasons.  However, their efforts to help others may be of an extreme nature that both deplete them and possibly enable the other individual.

The underlying belief of these individuals is: “It is the noble thing to do.” They believe they are somehow better than others because they help people all the time without getting anything back.  While motives may or may not be pure, their actions are not helpful to all involved. The problem is that trying to “save” someone does not allow the other individual to take responsibility for his or her own actions and to develop internal motivation.  Therefore, the positive (or negative) changes may only be temporary.

The Second of The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is “Don’t Take Anything Personally.” This book chapter and the following quotes teach key concepts that may provide helpful guidance for those struggling with savior complex tendencies:

“You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you.”

“Whatever you think, whatever you feel, I know is your problem and not my problem.  It is the way you see the world.  It is nothing personal, because you are dealing with yourself, not with me.”

“Humans are addicted to suffering at different levels and to different degrees, and we support each other in maintaining these addictions”

So what are solutions for avoiding the “savior” trap with relationships and clients? 

• Process emotions with friends, family and/or other staff members.
• Set boundaries with other individuals that allow you to balance caring for them with trying to “save” them.
• Say “maybe” or “no” before saying yes in order to give yourself time to weigh options.
• Slow down enough to be mindful of choices.
• Reach out for support from a therapist or coach in order to receive an objective assessment of your interpersonal issue.
• Let your loved one, friend and/or client take responsibility for their actions.
• Do not work harder than your friend, loved one and/or client.
• Do the best that you can do to support the individual and then “let go” of the results.
• Redefining “helping” and “caring.”

What does “helping” mean to you and for this individual?

• Asking questions
• Backing off
• Simply listening
• Offering action steps and coping skills instead of doing the work for them

Ask yourself:

• Am I helping this person by avoiding natural consequences?
• Is this decision made to keep them “happy” or for their overall health?
• Is my action helping them to get better or me to feel better?
• Am I being invited to help?
• Do I “want” to or have to do this?

What are your fears about not helping, and can you challenge them?

• The family or others will not like me.
• People may complain or not be happy, or my job may be in jeopardy.
• I will feel like I am not being effective as a loved one or at my job.
• I feel like I am not able to help.
• I am not doing the best that I can.
• I am missing something obvious.

Credit: https://www.psychologytoday.com

I can honestly say that I’m depleted and that after 3.25 years I have noticed that I am a changed man – for the worse. It first started when we were sleeping together (as in sleep, not sex) and she mentioned that she can’t sleep due to my snoring. What did I do? I gave up my master bedroom to her and slept wherever I could for a few weeks. Treadmill. Couch. Floor. Eventually I went to sleep downstairs in the media room that I spent a significant amount of cash to renovate into. I removed the couch and then put in an adjustable frame queen sized bed. That became my bedroom. Even before this Coronavirus mumbo jumbo happened, I was in my very own isolation.

A huge warning sign to me should have been that whenever I came upstairs, she would yell at me asking why I’m up there, etc. I should have known then that I was being used. At least, I felt like I was being used. Again, savior complex – at least I’m able to give this person and their daughter better accommodations. And since we were romantically-involved, though I felt I was the only one attempting the romance part, I didn’t charge any rent. My friends and parents told me that was a “no-no” and that even though I invited her to move in, she should have offered to pay something for residence. One would think that if she wasn’t interested in the romance or being boyfriend/girlfriend then they would jump on the bandwagon and pay for living there, right? Yea? No.

Another example of me coming in to save the day was offering her a loan to pay off her car which had an APR of 24.99%, the highest possible interest rate in NYS. And on top of that, co-signing a car from CarMax. Thankfully she’s been paying that down regularly though there were a couple of missed payments that I had to tweak. And then she was having some major pain in her mouth due to an incident by her abusive ex-husband (who she makes excuses for still). Daughter wants nothing to do with that guy. I loaned her $38,000 to give her an entire teeth implant renovation. Of course, initially when it came to it, she had no problem with accepting the help to improve her quality of life. She mentioned after it was done that people definitely noticed. But then, over time when it came down to paying it back, she had a problem with it and keeps saying, “I never should have had it done” or “you never said I had to pay it back”. Her recollection of events is vastly different than mine. I was going to use that money to renovate my kitchen so that’s on hold.

And then there’s Jamaica. I said that I’ll pay for the trip there and back along with the hotel and yacht expenses (we went with a group of couples). I asked her if she could pay for the shopping and other spending while we were there and she said okay. Lo and behold, I ended up being the sole spender aside from some trinkets she got for her family. Did I get pissed about that? You bet your ass and I still bring it up to this day. She just shrugs it off.

Am I naive and gullible? Fuck yea! <– not an admirable quality unless you are the user.

She mentions that she likes that I’m not aggressively sexual like most of her exes had been. In fact, experiencing all of the above and more has put my sex drive at an all-time low. Who knew that it would all be a lie? During our relationship, she’s traded nude photos with other men and has had dirty talk with them. She doesn’t consider that cheating but EVERYONE ELSE does. She had it hidden but her daughter, Natalie (N), found out about those texts and thought the honorable thing to do was to let me know. Bless her heart. But instead of communication in regards to it and how she could do such a thing to me, I keep getting a “get over it” response. Her daughter even found a whole sensual conversation between her abusive biological father and mother (which took place on her birthday no less).

K, of course, denies it ever took place and the ex somehow placed it on her iPad. N swears that she’s seen K writing to BB before that happened but K says that N is lying. K also said that N has lied about this other guy Ian (while I was in India during December 2018) who I conveniently have never met. Oh, it gets even better, one of the guys she was trading the nude photos with was in my house while it was all happening. I even have photos of the texts and the dates they were sent.

Am I naive and gullible? Fuck yea! Here’s to me actually wanting something to work. I’m 43 and I have a list of medical conditions where I fear whether anyone would be willing to take them on. Here’s to her getting away with murder without actually killing anyone.

To be perfectly honest, she makes me feel like I owe her something even after all I have done.

We don’t communicate. We are never on the same page when it comes to life goals, raising N, disciplining N, or anything. What K doesn’t take in is that N and her are a package deal. Am I concerned about N? You bet. Do I get a little obsessive when it comes to N? Yes but only because N doesn’t have any sort of routine or discipline and her mother lets her be on electronics 24/7. She (N) doesn’t ever do any homework at home. Rather she’s on her iPhone or her Xbox when she gets home from school all the way until she goes to bed. She befriends all sorts of people on her Snapchat. She said the oldest person she’s added was a 53 year old man who ended up asking her for nudes and she thankfully quickly blocked. I am willing to bet K didn’t know any of that until I told her. How can you study for a unit test during one study hall?

Lies, lies, and more lies. Or vague manipulative truths. That’s all I get.

I’ve decided to adopt Mike N’s advice where I should be saying, “Not my problem.” I gave N the screen-time passcode to her phone and I’ve asked her to stop sharing her location with me. I’ve reset the password on SchoolTool which will go to K and I’ve requested K not to share it with me. I’ve told N that she won’t have to worry about impressing me or doing good in school for fear of consequences because if I can’t check, I won’t know. And she probably won’t have to worry about consequences from her mother because really? I’ve told K to remove me as an emergency contact at N’s school and also to remove me as a pickup person. I’ve told K that if N misses the bus, it will be her responsibility to take her to school. Not my problem. I will probably be told to go fuck myself or questioned as to how I can give up on this child even though I’m never listened to or acknowledged in the first place. K keeps saying that N loves me and that I am important to N probably in an attempt to manipulate my emotions. Whenever K says that N says something, the response I get from N is “bruh I never said that”. N doesn’t make it evident that those things are true anyways. She will tell a guy “I love you” after their one month anniversary but those three words are never uttered to me and we have known each other since October 2016. So much for all the love and attention I have given her. Is she playing me too? The only times she comes to me is if it has to do with screen-time or WiFi or if she wants something. She will only do something around the house if she benefits from it somehow. Whatever happened to children obeying their parental figures without talking back or expecting something in return? Anyway, not my problem.

K has said that I’ve changed. Yes, I have. I’m done with this fuckin’ Savior Complex bullshit.

Why good intentions may have negative outcomes.