Posted on FaceBook on July 15, 2023:

People use Facebook for different reasons. Some people are ultra private, some are paranoid due to external forces, some only post good moments, some only post memes, some only vent, and some simply bare all. I’ve decided to just bare all because who truly gives a f*ck (except for select ppl I physically talk to). [I hide these bare alls from family and the Indian Community though 😎.]

I had a vulnerable moment last night and I posted it on Facebook. After a few comments, I changed the privacy setting to “Only Me” so if you did comment, don’t worry, I did not delete the post because your insights are valuable to me.

10 years ago I was diagnosed with something and I was only told that it has caused me to be infertile. The doctor who found this out by multiple tests did not go into further detail as that was the reason I went to see them. I found a book about it last month which I first handed to my dad to read because it only takes him a day or two to read a book while it takes me forever and a day. And plus I figured he would want to learn more as he was with me that oh-so-fine day I received those results. After he completed the book, he discussed with me that he now understands why I am the way I am and that it explains my behaviors, etc, while growing up in great detail. My mom expressed that she felt bad but I told her that it is not her fault due to this “error” being a random genetic event as it is not hereditary.

Anyway, within the past year or so, some of the psychiatric “fault” components of that syndrome have really been making themselves known. I’m talking about ADHD in full force, anxiety disorders, depressive disorders, and the works. I’ll post more in my journal which I haven’t updated in over 3 years.

I’ve been feeling rather lonely in my current relationship. I’ve expressed this to Briana but it just seems like she doesn’t care. She doesn’t communicate with me and she sleeps at the oddest hours. She says she can’t help it but at the same time, she doesn’t seek help for it which confounds me because… well… if you know, you know. But you probably don’t know because it isn’t my story to tell. I will text and text discussing my day or whatever and sometimes it will be days before she reads them and responds. (I call too but it usually goes to voicemail.). I’ve been in relationships before with single women with small kids and never have I ever experienced this loose connection. It was not like this during the first year or so. So, of course, negative thoughts circulate through my mind (a curse) and it makes me think that she wants to break up with me. (Research Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (I have this too)) But the thing you have to know about Briana is that she will never be the one to do it – she wants the other party to do it. Probably something about accountability or whatever. I don’t think she realizes that her in-action effects (affects?) other people. That’s how I feel but I bet that will get invalidated too (if you know, you know but you probably don’t know because I don’t discuss it).

Don’t get me wrong though, she’s not a monster.

I’ve signed up for a 13 session curriculum which teaches skills across four main areas: mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotional regulation, and distress tolerance. It’s a group for those struggling with relational issues, mood dysphoria, anxiety, depression, BPD, chronic stress, and more.

To be continued…