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Charlie Ain’t Home

Back when I was feeling uber-down, at the time I wrote the most recent posts, I had shared my blog with my PCP. I had requested to have my medication increased to twice a day rather than simply once daily.  After reading it, this is the response I received:

Hi (me),

I was impressed in so many ways after reading your blog…It’s easy to see your big heart, and all the love you want to give the world (and a partner). Also, you are an honest, clear-eyed and fearless observer of yourself and others, though I think you might be a little hard on yourself (the voice of depression, perhaps). I hope you can send a little more of your love your own way. And also you are a really good writer. Your writing is graceful and clear. And I love the way you include quotes…

Reading your blog also gave me some new thoughts about the distress you are experiencing. This may sound weird and we may want to explore this more when we get together, but I’m wondering if what you’re experiencing is more spiritual distress than a psychological or mental health problem, something in the domain of meaning and connection. I think it was a French psychologist/sociologist, Emile Durkheim, who introduced the term anomie…That would call for a very different approach. Since you like to read, here are three books that you might find interesting:

The Road Less Traveled – by M. Scott Peck
The Varieties of Religious Experience – by Willim James
Peace is Every Breath – by Tich Nacht Hahn

I look forward to talking with you next week. Meanwhile please continue to give the ‘3 good things’ practice a try; you might even try blogging about it!

Also, if your muscle spasms are happening a lot, there might be some injections that can help. A consultation with a neuromuscular specialist wold be the way to go. We can talk about that, too.

Warm regards,

xxxxxxxx

My response:

Hello Dr. xxxxxxxx,

Thank you for the reminder that I need to set up an appointment with you. I’m unsure whether there will be a spot open this week considering my lateness.

In the way of my depression, all those past feelings seem to have subsided and I have a feeling I know what the cause was – the company I kept, more specifically, Hannah. I think she simply reminded me of who I used to be and perhaps I was feeling depressed because life seemed to be much simpler back then. Although I had written that she made me feel comfortable, rather I think she was pulling me downwards even though she, nor I, knew that.

I never upped my medication of the (script) to twice a day, I still only take one daily. Since I’m feeling okay now, I don’t think I necessarily need to take it twice a day. Let me know your thoughts.

I will call the office tomorrow and see when I can schedule an appointment.

(me)

Good luck, H-RBC. May your legs take you wherever you need to go in life. Such strong legs they were indeed.

Pick it up, Pick it all up and start again.

Yesterday my peroneal tendonitis came back full swing in my right foot / leg in the morning.  Both the peroneus longus and peroneus brevis tendons were flexed at their maximum involuntarily. I was in so much pain for about 45 minutes to an hour where since I needed to go to the bathroom, I literally had to drag myself across the floor as if I had been shot in my right leg.  Ana ran up to me as if to ask “what’s wrong” and proceeded to sit on the floor on guard to protect me from whatever ‘attacked’ me. She did the same when I had kidney stones 12+ years ago and the pain was beyond belief. I’ve been biking a lot recently and playing tennis more frequently this summer.  Based on my reading, the increased athleticism events probably had something to do with it.  These limitations are basically suck-ass in my case.

Hannah came over last night and I basically bared all to her. No, not my body though I wouldn’t be surprised if she has seen everything considering we used to sleep together at night (no sex) and in the morning… yea. I told her that I had a confession to make in regards to me opening up to people. After two engagement break-ups in the past 12 years, I’ve pretty much clammed up about my inner self to people due to the fear of rejection or thinking, “I wonder how this person will end up hurting me”. My motto is ‘trust until given a reason not to’ but it’s easier to say than do in this case.

I feel really comfortable with Hannah even though I’ve only known her a month and I have absolutely no chance to be with her. Must be those eyes.

“The soul, fortunately, has an interpreter – often an unconscious but still a faithful interpreter – in the eye.”
― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

I’ve accepted that. She told me that I should probably go see a shrink. I have already seen a shrink, two shrinks actually. The last shrink came highly recommended by a couple of doctors. This psychologist was a little easier to talk to in the few weeks that I saw her but of course only after I analyzed myself, did the research on my own, and self-diagnosed myself. I told her what I came up with and while she agreed with my synopsis, she was still quite surprised that I had done all that work. I even did the research on the medication that would probably work for me and not interfere with my prescribed blood pressure meds. She also agreed with that and conferred with my doctor on the level of script. My lpp.

Does anyone truly know who I am? I think about this long and hard because I don’t think I’ve ever really been the type of person to discuss deep emotional issues with friends. I’m pretty sure that someone could simply observe my character and get an idea of this or that. I have an awfully hard time coming up with the right thing to say and most of my sentences turn out to not make much sense. I find myself rather boring as well which I’m probably sure most others agree because my phone isn’t exactly ringing off the hook anymore like it was when I was younger. It’s sort of a negative way to look at myself but it’s the truth. I don’t watch sports so I am not exactly keeping track of anything or anyone who may be excelling at their game. I’ve tried getting into baseball and football in order to keep certain connections alive but I find myself lose interest. I would much rather play a sport but it would most likely turn out to be grade school all over again – the guy who’s picked last each time (with the exception of soccer which I was really good at as a half-back). I have trouble keeping up with current events because frankly, it’s such a sad sad world out there. Humanity sucks.

All in all, it would be easier to talk to a friend – a friend who is single. I wouldn’t want to worry or burden my married friends with any bullshit that may be going through my head which in the first place would be very hard to bring out. It wouldn’t be fair to them to worry them particularly since all of them have kids now or are expecting another addition. It would bother me even more if I were to burden them. They have their own lives and the lives of their partners and the lives of their kids to worry about. They can’t just ask, “what’s wrong” or say, “I’m here for you buddy”, because for one, it doesn’t work that way. For two, I’m supposed to be the strong one. I’m supposed to be the one who has it all figured out with the exception that I’m single and have no kids. Fucked.

Hannah didn’t understand when I told her I was a failure. In fact, the outsider only observes what they can see. Sure, I have a couple of businesses, I have a few properties, I have a fleet of vehicles, etc. I have a whole bunch of assets but that’s all they are. The problem lies that I didn’t build it. Yes, I paid for many of these things from funds that I earned but still, I didn’t build it. It’s not my money that I earned. This leads to the fact that I’m forever in debt to my parents who saved me from certain death. They gave me this opportunity. They supported me when I needed the strength. It’s very hard for me to explain why I feel like this failure. Another post for another time and it will probably be repetitive since my mind tends to go in circles. Cutting this short since…

“I gotta see about a girl.” — Robin Williams, Good Will Hunting

How can I call myself successful?

Forever Autumn

It’s been a while since I have written.  Tonight I just returned from driving some repeat clients to the Moody Blues concert in Syracuse and back.  I should have purchased a ticket to that concert as well – I’ve never seen them live.

Anyhow, this post is about an opportunity for a new friend in my life who goes by the name of Hannah.  Sometimes she goes by “your Grace” but that goes for another story in another life when we are both cats (or Jack Russell terriers).  Vanilla Sky.

Hannah has the opportunity to continue her undergrad and get a degree in her select program.  She’s incredibly bright and a hard-worker at that (also she has an incredibly wicked set of eyes – thanks to Hannah’s mom and dad).  The problem lies in room & board.  It’s not cheap anywhere!  And in order to support yourself, you would need to get a job.  This job would have to pay for a) rent, b) food, c) gas, d) social expenses, and e) etc.  Rent itself would cost between $ 300 and $ 600 a month.  On top of this job, she would be taking a full course load of level 400 courses for her senior / final year at Geneseo.  And depending on where she would be living, there would most likely be never ending distractions / drama.

What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me.
Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song,
And I’ll try not to sing out of key.

I have a big heart and perhaps I get this from my father – a soft spot in my heart to help those in need particularly those who deserve such chances in life.  Rather than see her struggle while trying to juggle a full course load and an almost full-time night job, I have proposed a plan:

I have a spare bedroom in my house.  The house itself is roughly 2100 sq ft, 1.5 bath, with attached garage and a double wide concrete driveway (yes, I know, bad choice for living where I do – a learning experience to say the least).  I live in Henrietta, NY, which is about a 30 min commute to SUNY Geneseo.  The room is n feet wide by m feet in length and located on the bottom floor of my raised ranch.  I have not measured it but Hannah has seen it and it also has a walk-in closet to minimize the expense of purchasing a dresser.  There is already a bed inside as well, a queen-size.  I have a desk she can use if needed.  She can park on the driveway as well instead of the endless search (& switching sides of the street each day) for on-street parking.  I have a snowplowing guy who takes care of the driveway each winter too.

Here are some pictures of the exterior:
house-front-1house-back-2  house-back-1

Rent would be $ 5200 per year which translates to $ 100.00 per week.  This expense can be a wash as long as she agrees to certain household chores to be completed weekly.  These chores include dusting, polishing, mopping, cleaning the kitchen / bathroom / house, taking out the garbage, shoveling the walkway leading to the front door in the winter, tidying up the landscape, vacuuming, help with organizing, etc.  Not everything would have to be done each week but listed are primarily examples.  She would simply need to set aside a few hours per week to accomplish such.  Laundry would be separate and not considered a household chore.  Dishes would be listed under the same since that is more of a personal responsibility.  Hannah can attest to how clean my place is right now.  And plus I have a couple of exercise machines at home which would eliminate having to set aside time to go to a gym.  I have a lot of paperwork that needs to be organized but that would have to be done by me alone.  I own a couple of businesses so that kind of gets out of control pretty quickly.  And what’s with all that junk mail (both in postal and e-mail)?!?

Who am I?  I am Bridget’s friend’s friend who had taken the time one day to set us up where she had said that we would be perfect for each other.  I was a bit hesitant when she told me Hannah’s age but something told me that I should maybe give it a try.  I normally do not date anyone more than 10 years difference of my age and that is a stretch in itself.  My last girlfriend was 1 year older than I.  I am 37 years old by the way, 38 at the end of this month.  We had gone on a few dates and I was enamored by her kindness and compassion and that we have many things in common as well.  She is also my main inspiration to get back into healthy shape.  I tried to show her what I could offer her if we decided to pursue a relationship.  I never asked for anything in return however and she can attest to that.  I’m not that kind of person.  I am a man but I have manners and the utmost respect for women in general.  To make this story short, Hannah admitted to me that she was not attracted to me and a romantic relationship would not be in the cards.  I respect that and I’m 100% on board for having a purely platonic relationship.  She had also said that it may be God’s plan that we are in each others lives however the truth to that is unknown.  I side 50/50.

Anyhow, that is my proposal – I would like to see her succeed and lightening up the burden may help.  She would still need to get a part-time job for essentials but at least the most expensive expense would be taken care of.  If you have any questions, feel free to call me.  Hannah has my number.  I won’t be available on Saturday until 7:00 PM or Sunday until 5:00 PM.  If I am missing anything, please let Hannah know and I will make an addendum to this post.

Alive

I’m worried about my housemate. She seems so withdrawn and depressed lately but apparently only when I try to spark a conversation with her. Ever since I wrote that last post suggesting that she was responsible and that I loved her dog, her personality seems to have just changed (around me) for some reason. When my buddy Joe was here hanging out she was really chipper and cracking jokes and stuff but no longer with me. Maybe I send out the wrong vibes. It’s not my intention though and only want to keep it at a friend level. No idea and she won’t offer an explanation and I prefer to have things explained if I don’t understand. Me sad. *pout*

There could be an explanation however…

A long long time ago in a far off galaxy…

No really, many years ago most of my friends were female. This is before I became a walking man-whore in my mid-20s (a phase long-since gone) though since I gained so much weight in the meantime you never would have guessed. With some of them we got really close but never stepping over the boundary of kissing or skin-on-skin contact. We’d cuddle on the couch or in bed if we were down, and just overall be there for each other without getting sexual or mushy. It must have been a teenager thing. I’ve known my housemate for many years. In fact, we met off MySpace. She went through a traumatic experience (in my opinion) at her old household and suddenly moved into mine. We were sitting on the couch one day away from each other and I mentioned that if she ever needed anyone to talk to or if she needed consoling through cuddling, she could request it. I wasn’t intending anything reboundy or sexual in nature. Just two friends who could use self-therapy. I’d love to know her honest opinion about that rather than just a shrug and being polite. On second thought, the request may have come off as a little creepy and I think I may had just become “that guy”. Ugh.

I need to find someone who can help me be more articulate when conversing. Somehow i lost my charm. I’m like an exact copy of my “Uncle Narayan” who is my dad’s younger brother. We both take so long to tell a story. What normally would take the average person 5 minutes, takes us 5 hours. I also need to learn how to continue a conversation. No one will volunteer though.

Anyway, we got pumpkins from Powers’ Farm Market! Now the issue is when I’ll (we’ll) be able to carve / paint them. I haven’t carved one in years and when I did, it didn’t remotely resemble anything humanistic. My art form is lacking. I should probably just punch a hole through it and say, “walla!” I’ve never been much of a decorator unless it’s work-related. I’d like to do more of it around the house, both interior and exterior, but that comes down to time and money. I no longer want to be that guy living only on my monthly pay.

I was asked the other day how I wasn’t able to save much and invest in things when my friend could and they don’t make as much as I do. My response was that 1) they live in a house worth about 40 grand which is all paid off; 2) their taxes on the property are minimal; 3) combined with the property taxes on both properties, I have a double mortgage on my house and a mortgage on my limo property which are bleeding me dry (along with all the utility bills and stuff.) The secondary mortgage on the house was to help pay for the new construction on the limo garage (putting in six bays where each had its own garage, each bay needed its own draining system connected to a main city sewer pipeline, removal of asphalt lot to place curbs/lawn/bushes/sidewalks, outside / interior lights, plumbing, etc.). Before the construction it was just an empty warehouse structure with one garage. The problem is that even though I put in at least 6 figures reconstructing the place, the assessed value hardly budged.

The long and winding road

Rhetorical True or False: Exes – if you can’t be lovers, then you can’t be friends who invite each other to hang out and have discussions about our lives like normal friends do. Do you think the friendship would be one-sided? Do you think the person who did the breaking up would be more open about their life?

I’m trying to have a normal friendship with Becky O. but I’m unsure if she wants that. I feel like I’m the only one making the effort to make first contact. I thought we could have something solid, maybe I’m wrong. “But we broke up” seems to be the most used phrase by her even though I’m merely trying to maintain a friendship. I see no reason those words should ever be uttered in the case of a lasting friendship. Maybe it’s just me. A lot of things are.

I had a fun time hanging out with her and the kids on Wednesday night. I contacted her initially to return her daughter’s booster seat though she asked if I could buy dinner. I purchased a family dinner from Popeyes and Kate just ate some corn on the cob. Evan and I were making poop jokes at the dinner table. Afterwards we were playing swords with the pointing poker stabber jabber thingies and Kate whacked my finger by mistake. Ouch. Sat on the couch and Bex plopped right next to me with wine in hand. I was poking her with the tool and she’d shoo it away after awhile. She was smiling so I didn’t think she was offended by my gestures. Maybe it was just the wine. (I wasn’t drinking any alcohol.). No lovey dovey stuff, just playing around.

After I left and returned home, we were having fun discussions online about astrological findings through astro.com.

Thoughts that circulate through my head.