Posted on FaceBook on July 15, 2023:

People use Facebook for different reasons. Some people are ultra private, some are paranoid due to external forces, some only post good moments, some only post memes, some only vent, and some simply bare all. I’ve decided to just bare all because who truly gives a f*ck (except for select ppl I physically talk to). [I hide these bare alls from family and the Indian Community though 😎.]

I had a vulnerable moment last night and I posted it on Facebook. After a few comments, I changed the privacy setting to “Only Me” so if you did comment, don’t worry, I did not delete the post because your insights are valuable to me.

10 years ago I was diagnosed with something and I was only told that it has caused me to be infertile. The doctor who found this out by multiple tests did not go into further detail as that was the reason I went to see them. I found a book about it last month which I first handed to my dad to read because it only takes him a day or two to read a book while it takes me forever and a day. And plus I figured he would want to learn more as he was with me that oh-so-fine day I received those results. After he completed the book, he discussed with me that he now understands why I am the way I am and that it explains my behaviors, etc, while growing up in great detail. My mom expressed that she felt bad but I told her that it is not her fault due to this “error” being a random genetic event as it is not hereditary.

Anyway, within the past year or so, some of the psychiatric “fault” components of that syndrome have really been making themselves known. I’m talking about ADHD in full force, anxiety disorders, depressive disorders, and the works. I’ll post more in my journal which I haven’t updated in over 3 years.

I’ve been feeling rather lonely in my current relationship. I’ve expressed this to Briana but it just seems like she doesn’t care. She doesn’t communicate with me and she sleeps at the oddest hours. She says she can’t help it but at the same time, she doesn’t seek help for it which confounds me because… well… if you know, you know. But you probably don’t know because it isn’t my story to tell. I will text and text discussing my day or whatever and sometimes it will be days before she reads them and responds. (I call too but it usually goes to voicemail.). I’ve been in relationships before with single women with small kids and never have I ever experienced this loose connection. It was not like this during the first year or so. So, of course, negative thoughts circulate through my mind (a curse) and it makes me think that she wants to break up with me. (Research Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (I have this too)) But the thing you have to know about Briana is that she will never be the one to do it – she wants the other party to do it. Probably something about accountability or whatever. I don’t think she realizes that her in-action effects (affects?) other people. That’s how I feel but I bet that will get invalidated too (if you know, you know but you probably don’t know because I don’t discuss it).

Don’t get me wrong though, she’s not a monster.

I’ve signed up for a 13 session curriculum which teaches skills across four main areas: mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotional regulation, and distress tolerance. It’s a group for those struggling with relational issues, mood dysphoria, anxiety, depression, BPD, chronic stress, and more.

To be continued…

The other day, Kristina was getting sad and mentioned that she wanted to keep Natalie sheltered from having daddy issues. But as I read more and more about what daddy issues are, I’m convinced that K actually has them too even though her father passed away when she was an adult at age 21.

15 signs that you may have Daddy Issues

1. Your self-esteem is low, you don’t love yourself and you can’t ever seem to implement boundaries because you always feel guilty for doing so. If the relationship that you have with yourself sucks, your dating life can best be described as a trailer for a self-help workshop, and if you continue to have “bad luck” with men… chances are it started with the relationship (or lack of relationship) with Dad or a significant male figure from your childhood.
2. You have a really hard time trusting any guy that you’re with. You have to “screen” them. You don’t trust because you subconsciously trusted Dad and he hurt you/didn’t meet your expectations/didn’t accept you/didn’t validate you/loved you conditionally/abandoned you/emotionally starved you, etc. This also happens if you feel like Dad didn’t protect you.
3. You need validation from men. If you’re dating someone, you have this thing where you need to make it known to your boyfriend that you’re “in demand.” You even seek the validation of other men when you’re with a good guy (which never lasts). You’re a validation junkie and can never get enough.
4. Breakups aren’t just devastating for you, they’re catastrophic. They cause a ton of collateral damage and you find yourself needing to seek validation from your ex like you need to breathe oxygen. This can result in continuing to go back to your ex (emotionally, physically or both), sleeping with your ex, continuing to feel like you have a say in what and who he does, etc. You feel like you “own” him even after the relationship has ended. It’s like losing a family member and a lover all in one.
5. You like eliciting jealousy and any other reactions that display the effect that you have on men.
6. In your relationships, you’re jealous and over-protective.
7. You need unreasonable levels of reassurance that “everything is alright” that you’re “good enough,” “hot enough,” and the list goes on.
8. It’s hard for you to remain single.
9. You’re a serial monogamist and always act like you know it all.
10. You prefer to date older men. And no, that doesn’t mean you’re hitting up the local retirement home but you do like men who are older.
11. You’re more comfortable in seeking validation from an emotionally unavailable man than you are being with a “good guy” who validates you. Good guys bore you.
12. In one way or another, you were emotionally orphaned as a kid by Dad or by a significant male figure in your childhood. And you’ve been on an emotional driftwood ever since.
13. Your Dad was around, but never really “present.” You never felt “good enough” for or truly connected to Dad.
14. You have abandonment issues due to emotional or physical abandonment from Dad.
15. You consistently involve yourself with emotionally unavailable and narcissistic men.

Credit: https://postmalesyndrome.com/

Kristina doesn’t fit the whole 15 point list and neither does Natalie. Natalie does however go from boy-to-boy within a month’s time and she’s only 13. She’s had 7 or 8 partners so far. She has a good head on her shoulders but I fear that for the sake of staying together with a boy she really likes, she will eventually loosen her values for said boy. She may even follow her mother’s footsteps and get pregnant at the age of 16. Hopefully under different circumstances if this is the case. I remember that it was only 1.5 years ago when she said that she wouldn’t date until she was out of high school. Times change so quickly.

Summer is around the corner. This means more summer teen parties filled with games like Seven Minutes of Heaven, Truth or Dare, online Omegle-style games over FaceTime or other media, Sexting which is highly popular in her age group, etc.

I may or may not be involved further with Natalie’s upbringing. Kristina seems to want to hold all the cards when it comes to Natty. I’ve tried but seem to get the shaft when making decisions for Nat. I fear I’m more used when it comes to finances. Not anymore though – if I am not allowed to make decisions, I will back away from paying for things. If K is so bent on raising her teenage daughter because she didn’t have a hand in raising her son, then she can do the whole nine yards. Natty’s soccer league costs at least $450 per season. Good luck with that.

In any case, I’ve never been in a relationship with someone quite like this one. We have so many arguments because I am rigid and stable and K is more hippy-like never really having a grasp on anything 100%. When it comes to long-term relationships of 3+ years, I don’t think Briana and I ever truly had a fight but Carrie and I did though not as intensive as K and mines’. I don’t know if that last word is correct, apostrophe and all. The problem lies because we do not communicate properly. I don’t believe that we have had one serious conversation about us, about goals, about raising or disciplining Nat, about financial matters, etc. Each time I try to bring something up, K has the same reaction every time where the excuse is either about work or ‘relaxing’ and emotional level goes from 0 to 10 in a matter of seconds … for the last three fucking years.

There is never a middle ground.  Things are always either black or white, never gray.  It’s always either all or nothing, no compromising… 

Kristina tends to control the conversations. She will talk about whatever she wants to talk about and I don’t create a fuss. I’ll even pause my TV program if she interrupts. But when I bring something up? Fuhgeddaboutit! WWIII. I’m going to attempt to react the way K does for future conversations that she brings up so she can see just how irritating and annoying those reactions can be.

We had a fight yesterday. See conversation after she went from 0 to 10 within 10 seconds…

🤷🏽‍♂️

I’ve decided that I want to get some favorite lyrics as tattoos on my left arm and leave the artwork to my right arm. The lyrics I’ve chosen are:

Every year is getting shorter; we never seem to find the time.

Children growing up; old friends getting older. Freeze this moment a little bit longer…

You my friend, I will defend. And if we change, well I’ll love you anyway.

I’ve been having my list of problems in this current relationship/friendship/roommate situation that I’ve put myself in. Another case of me acting too rash and thinking I’d benefit from having a live-in girlfriend. Not benefit monetarily or sexually but as in companionship on an everyday level. Boy, what a ride it has been. Of course, it takes two to tango so she had a choice as well on whether to move in so the blame cannot completely be on me. This was 3.25 years ago.

Mike N. basically summed me up based on my relationships and all and said that I have something called a “Savior Complex”. While I don’t believe that I am better than anyone else, the following article explains me and what has happened to a T:

At first, the term “Savior Complex” may have a positive connotation. However, when you learn more about it and the underlying motivations and impact on others, it is clear that this behavior pattern can be problematic.

According to the blog PeopleSkillsDecoded.com, the savior complex can be best defined as “A psychological construct which makes a person feel the need to save other people. This person has a strong tendency to seek people who desperately need help and to assist them, often sacrificing their own needs for these people.”

Many individuals who enter into caring professions such as mental health care, health care and even those who have loved ones with addictions may have some of these personality characteristics.  They are drawn to those who need “saving” for a variety of reasons.  However, their efforts to help others may be of an extreme nature that both deplete them and possibly enable the other individual.

The underlying belief of these individuals is: “It is the noble thing to do.” They believe they are somehow better than others because they help people all the time without getting anything back.  While motives may or may not be pure, their actions are not helpful to all involved. The problem is that trying to “save” someone does not allow the other individual to take responsibility for his or her own actions and to develop internal motivation.  Therefore, the positive (or negative) changes may only be temporary.

The Second of The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is “Don’t Take Anything Personally.” This book chapter and the following quotes teach key concepts that may provide helpful guidance for those struggling with savior complex tendencies:

“You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you.”

“Whatever you think, whatever you feel, I know is your problem and not my problem.  It is the way you see the world.  It is nothing personal, because you are dealing with yourself, not with me.”

“Humans are addicted to suffering at different levels and to different degrees, and we support each other in maintaining these addictions”

So what are solutions for avoiding the “savior” trap with relationships and clients? 

• Process emotions with friends, family and/or other staff members.
• Set boundaries with other individuals that allow you to balance caring for them with trying to “save” them.
• Say “maybe” or “no” before saying yes in order to give yourself time to weigh options.
• Slow down enough to be mindful of choices.
• Reach out for support from a therapist or coach in order to receive an objective assessment of your interpersonal issue.
• Let your loved one, friend and/or client take responsibility for their actions.
• Do not work harder than your friend, loved one and/or client.
• Do the best that you can do to support the individual and then “let go” of the results.
• Redefining “helping” and “caring.”

What does “helping” mean to you and for this individual?

• Asking questions
• Backing off
• Simply listening
• Offering action steps and coping skills instead of doing the work for them

Ask yourself:

• Am I helping this person by avoiding natural consequences?
• Is this decision made to keep them “happy” or for their overall health?
• Is my action helping them to get better or me to feel better?
• Am I being invited to help?
• Do I “want” to or have to do this?

What are your fears about not helping, and can you challenge them?

• The family or others will not like me.
• People may complain or not be happy, or my job may be in jeopardy.
• I will feel like I am not being effective as a loved one or at my job.
• I feel like I am not able to help.
• I am not doing the best that I can.
• I am missing something obvious.

Credit: https://www.psychologytoday.com

I can honestly say that I’m depleted and that after 3.25 years I have noticed that I am a changed man – for the worse. It first started when we were sleeping together (as in sleep, not sex) and she mentioned that she can’t sleep due to my snoring. What did I do? I gave up my master bedroom to her and slept wherever I could for a few weeks. Treadmill. Couch. Floor. Eventually I went to sleep downstairs in the media room that I spent a significant amount of cash to renovate into. I removed the couch and then put in an adjustable frame queen sized bed. That became my bedroom. Even before this Coronavirus mumbo jumbo happened, I was in my very own isolation.

A huge warning sign to me should have been that whenever I came upstairs, she would yell at me asking why I’m up there, etc. I should have known then that I was being used. At least, I felt like I was being used. Again, savior complex – at least I’m able to give this person and their daughter better accommodations. And since we were romantically-involved, though I felt I was the only one attempting the romance part, I didn’t charge any rent. My friends and parents told me that was a “no-no” and that even though I invited her to move in, she should have offered to pay something for residence. One would think that if she wasn’t interested in the romance or being boyfriend/girlfriend then they would jump on the bandwagon and pay for living there, right? Yea? No.

Another example of me coming in to save the day was offering her a loan to pay off her car which had an APR of 24.99%, the highest possible interest rate in NYS. And on top of that, co-signing a car from CarMax. Thankfully she’s been paying that down regularly though there were a couple of missed payments that I had to tweak. And then she was having some major pain in her mouth due to an incident by her abusive ex-husband (who she makes excuses for still). Daughter wants nothing to do with that guy. I loaned her $38,000 to give her an entire teeth implant renovation. Of course, initially when it came to it, she had no problem with accepting the help to improve her quality of life. She mentioned after it was done that people definitely noticed. But then, over time when it came down to paying it back, she had a problem with it and keeps saying, “I never should have had it done” or “you never said I had to pay it back”. Her recollection of events is vastly different than mine. I was going to use that money to renovate my kitchen so that’s on hold.

And then there’s Jamaica. I said that I’ll pay for the trip there and back along with the hotel and yacht expenses (we went with a group of couples). I asked her if she could pay for the shopping and other spending while we were there and she said okay. Lo and behold, I ended up being the sole spender aside from some trinkets she got for her family. Did I get pissed about that? You bet your ass and I still bring it up to this day. She just shrugs it off.

Am I naive and gullible? Fuck yea! <– not an admirable quality unless you are the user.

She mentions that she likes that I’m not aggressively sexual like most of her exes had been. In fact, experiencing all of the above and more has put my sex drive at an all-time low. Who knew that it would all be a lie? During our relationship, she’s traded nude photos with other men and has had dirty talk with them. She doesn’t consider that cheating but EVERYONE ELSE does. She had it hidden but her daughter, Natalie (N), found out about those texts and thought the honorable thing to do was to let me know. Bless her heart. But instead of communication in regards to it and how she could do such a thing to me, I keep getting a “get over it” response. Her daughter even found a whole sensual conversation between her abusive biological father and mother (which took place on her birthday no less).

K, of course, denies it ever took place and the ex somehow placed it on her iPad. N swears that she’s seen K writing to BB before that happened but K says that N is lying. K also said that N has lied about this other guy Ian (while I was in India during December 2018) who I conveniently have never met. Oh, it gets even better, one of the guys she was trading the nude photos with was in my house while it was all happening. I even have photos of the texts and the dates they were sent.

Am I naive and gullible? Fuck yea! Here’s to me actually wanting something to work. I’m 43 and I have a list of medical conditions where I fear whether anyone would be willing to take them on. Here’s to her getting away with murder without actually killing anyone.

To be perfectly honest, she makes me feel like I owe her something even after all I have done.

We don’t communicate. We are never on the same page when it comes to life goals, raising N, disciplining N, or anything. What K doesn’t take in is that N and her are a package deal. Am I concerned about N? You bet. Do I get a little obsessive when it comes to N? Yes but only because N doesn’t have any sort of routine or discipline and her mother lets her be on electronics 24/7. She (N) doesn’t ever do any homework at home. Rather she’s on her iPhone or her Xbox when she gets home from school all the way until she goes to bed. She befriends all sorts of people on her Snapchat. She said the oldest person she’s added was a 53 year old man who ended up asking her for nudes and she thankfully quickly blocked. I am willing to bet K didn’t know any of that until I told her. How can you study for a unit test during one study hall?

Lies, lies, and more lies. Or vague manipulative truths. That’s all I get.

I’ve decided to adopt Mike N’s advice where I should be saying, “Not my problem.” I gave N the screen-time passcode to her phone and I’ve asked her to stop sharing her location with me. I’ve reset the password on SchoolTool which will go to K and I’ve requested K not to share it with me. I’ve told N that she won’t have to worry about impressing me or doing good in school for fear of consequences because if I can’t check, I won’t know. And she probably won’t have to worry about consequences from her mother because really? I’ve told K to remove me as an emergency contact at N’s school and also to remove me as a pickup person. I’ve told K that if N misses the bus, it will be her responsibility to take her to school. Not my problem. I will probably be told to go fuck myself or questioned as to how I can give up on this child even though I’m never listened to or acknowledged in the first place. K keeps saying that N loves me and that I am important to N probably in an attempt to manipulate my emotions. Whenever K says that N says something, the response I get from N is “bruh I never said that”. N doesn’t make it evident that those things are true anyways. She will tell a guy “I love you” after their one month anniversary but those three words are never uttered to me and we have known each other since October 2016. So much for all the love and attention I have given her. Is she playing me too? The only times she comes to me is if it has to do with screen-time or WiFi or if she wants something. She will only do something around the house if she benefits from it somehow. Whatever happened to children obeying their parental figures without talking back or expecting something in return? Anyway, not my problem.

K has said that I’ve changed. Yes, I have. I’m done with this fuckin’ Savior Complex bullshit.

Why good intentions may have negative outcomes.

Documenting:

March 18, 2020

Had a crazy one-hour+ long 160 bpm A-Fib attack tonight associated with light-headedness, dizziness, and cold sweats. Event started roughly at 7:15 PM. Eventually passed out at roughly 8:15 PM and woke up around 10:15 PM. BPM after waking up was an average of 98 BPM.

March 24, 2020

As I was drying myself after taking what some may refer to as a “very hot shower”, my throat tightened tighter than I had ever felt before. I bent downwards like an almost standing up fetal position. And then I fell over to my side as I grasped my throat.

Since I couldn’t yell out because 1) I didn’t feel I could talk and 2) Kristina (K) was on the phone with work (everyone knows DnD her when she is working from home), I started knocking on the bathroom vanity in the hopes she would hear it coming from inside the house. Benji, our chihuahua peeked his head in and immediately started on a barking frenzy which sparked barking from Bella, our golden retriever, outside. It took quite a few minutes before K responded because the knocking was unanticipated and also she was completely in the zone on her work call. Luckily the symptoms dissipated when she found me semi-unconscious on the floor.

I’m going downhill.  It’s only a matter of time.

I wonder…

I’m updating from an iPad so we shall see how this turns out – one-handed-ness typing.

Much has changed and for the better. I removed Bex from my life. I had to. She started to become someone that I despised where she would say something and do the other or she would always tend to accuse me of having some other motive for sticking around.

Round and around and around and around we go.

Just friends. I was good with that – in fact, we had shared so much with each other I thought we could grow to be the best of friends without the romance or sex. But I felt she was pushing me away. I think she was scared of me – not scared as in frightful, but scared as in I know all her buttons and pleasure points when we did end up sleeping together. All in all, her lifestyle and personality changed much to the worst in my opinion which basically tuned me away.

I’m in a better place now.

I have the most adorable ‘nephew’ – my best friend’s kid. My first of many hopeful babysitting evenings is on 10/10/13. So psyched.
I have a more active lifestyle – volleyball league on Monday evenings, Aquafit on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings, kickball on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and walking my roomie’s dog and bending over to pick up her poop.
I have someone in my life (platonic) who inspires me just enough to become a better person though she will probably never know it. I think we complement each other as friends but whatever. There are no cats in any bags.
I love my roommate’s dog.
I’m glad that I finally have a responsible roommate housemate. (She’s a good cook too!)
I’m in the process of purchasing my office building.
I’m getting a ton of business this fall.

I’m in an overall good spot right now. Only one thing can top it all off… They say when you stop looking, that person will find you. I stopped. Please kindly speak up whoever you are. Your turn to test the waters.

I’ve already had inquiries regarding the severity of my situation. It’s more of an internal battle I guess you could say. The issue is non-life-threatening though is still medical in nature. I’ve been told that I shouldn’t be as distraught as I am about this – writing a blog about it, but at least I’m not out getting hammered each night (or any night for that matter) or out partying with other paraphernalia. I think it’s important to track my feelings on this blog. Yes, the medical issue can be taken as very personal but I don’t have anything to hide. OK that is not entirely true; we all have skeletons that we’ve never discussed with anyone – mine have occurred usually while in a drunken or drug induced stupor.  I apologize to anyone who I may have harmed in periods of weakness and stupidity.

I went to my Aquafit class today at LA Fitness.  It’s been awhile since I’ve been (I even lost my keycard – it’s MIA in my clean house).  Clean?  Yea right!  I’d like to make a trip there at least 3 times a week for the water class, however work definitely gets in the way.  I’m also going to do my best and join some other aerobic classes as well (ie boot camp conditioning, yoga, etc.)  Here’s hoping that I actually stick to something.  I may as well take my $ 2,000 bike out for a spin at some point as well.  It’d be better if I had someone to ride with.  I definitely want to get some tennis action in this summer.  (reminder:  call Amy).  I probably won’t be entertaining anyone any time soon so I may just throw a section of my sofa set in the dining room and start either Power 90, or Insanity, or P90X, or P90X2.  (or re-watch the entire Game of Thrones series)

High school was definitely an eye opener for me.  In my sophomore year, I took a trip to Spain with fellow classmates and that is where my whole world changed.  I was introduced to Sangria and Ducados.  Thus began my 10 years’ smoking habit.  Quitting that in 2002 was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.  After returning to the US, others probably took notice of the changes that I was going through – not for the better I might add.  I experimented with a lot of drugs from alcohol to marijuana to LSD to Shrooms to heroin to etc.  I only snorted, I never injected anything though.  I remember one day coming from some guy’s place off Monroe Ave completely ‘horsed’ out of my mind and mistook the accelerator for the brake and crashed my dad’s car.  A car had rammed right into my dad’s front wheel immobilizing it.  Luckily it was freezing that day.  The cops had come and I pretty much almost shit my pants having to talk to that guy PLUS I didn’t have my night license yet.  Got a ticket for that.  I can’t believe he didn’t notice that my friends and I were high as balls.  I have a lot of stories – some good, some bad, some funny, some sad, some I remember, some I can’t recollect.  Byron, Patrick, and myself.  Those were the days though I wouldn’t go back if my life counted on it UNLESS I were to go back with everything that I know now.

I had constant battles that I had lost with drugs and alcohol for many years.  I eventually overcame it but at what cost?  My father even threw out my high school yearbook from my graduating year because it contained so much negativity.

I wish that I could find my ‘Who Am I?’ paper that was written in 8th grade.

My dream before all this was to go to medical school and become either a cardiologist or a heart surgeon.  Most projects that I did in elementary school and junior high surrounded the basic anatomy and function of the human heart.  That was my dream.  That was what I was going to pursue.  My choices prevented that dream to come true though I could technically start over since this country is the land of second, third, fourth, nth chances but I don’t do very well in an academic setting and I would absolutely die in college if I had to go for another 7+ years.

My actual college career was for all the wrong reasons.  I went to Guilford College in Greensboro, NC, after graduating high school.  I remember not wanting to go directly into college but I was kind of forced to by my father.  That lasted one semester.  Know anyone else who had the high honor of leaving college with a .54 GPA?  It was quite an accomplishment.  Not.  Raves.  Parties.  Open bar till 8 AM because the guy we were partying with owned the bar.  Chapel Hill frat parties.   I had a long distance relationship with my then girlfriend when I first started at Guilford but upon my first return, I made sure that I broke up with her because I didn’t want to be the one who cheated.  It would have happened at some point.  There was one day that I recall where I woke up in some married woman’s bed, whose husband was out of town, completely naked after a rave on the other side of the freakin’ city.  Don’t ask me how I got there.  Don’t ask me what we did.  Don’t ask me what I found in my pockets on the way back.  However so, I got a lot of high fives that day in Milner Hall from my friends.  I was a mess though I can’t help but smile as I recall the best of times with my ol’ college buds way back when.  We’ve lost touch unfortunately.

Upon returning, I went from job to job (temp contract jobs), and program to program at MCC.  I was very indecisive about what I wanted to be and what I wanted to learn though most of the subjects that I found myself taking revolved somehow around mathematics (which I eventually majored in at Nazareth).

I eventually hit rock bottom in 1997. Another time, another tale.

Keeping in mind this blog is just to remind myself of some negativity energy that has been surrounding me these past few years and now, I am sincerely hoping that depending on the audience, what I write does not affect my present and future friendships. I have a lot of positive energy to offer as well.  I was told that keeping a blog would be somewhat therapeutic anyhow or it may dig me deeper into a hole.

Triple whammy. I don’t think I’m ready to acknowledge this 4-part devastation as a fact just yet however after much research, it may be the cause of my lethargy and downward spiral of my inner self.  I asked one of my best friend’s how he would react if he were told this type of news. He said that he probably wouldn’t react too well. It probably hasn’t hit me with full force yet.  My dreaded appointment comes on August 7th, 2013.

I’ve told six people so far.  My sister-in-law is visiting for the week and I even told her.  She was surprised at how I can talk about my health issues so openly.  My brother doesn’t even know.  I made her promise that I will be the one who tells him.  August 7th.  I have been a very private person thus far, as not many people truly know the real me.  It seems to be a learning ordeal to me as well.

Work and surrounding myself with either family or friends definitely takes my mind off it.  My weeknights mostly look like this:

Yes.  She rests and sleeps on my arm as I type.

On another note, I’m truly happy for AB.  Their expected due date is tomorrow and I’m hoping they stick around so I can have an opportunity to be a positive role model for the kid.  I’m sure the anticipation is killing them.  I know for a fact that it is killing A and probably B too.

Everyone has frustrations.  Some choose to express them.  Some don’t.  Those who don’t tend to judge those who do.  Some of those who do don’t realize that they do and they tend to judge others who do.  I tend to bottle them up until they come out, typically on Facebook.

All the times
That I’ve cried
All this wasted
It’s all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down 
It’s back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can’t mend
But I feel
Tomorrow I’ll be okay

I tend to go through periods of insecurity.  They come and go.

Thank Man for Wellbutrin.